It is not what it was like before that makes me miss it all, but more of what it will not be. For I know what it was like and it brings me to hope for the future. Continue reading “YOU”
I love the smell of the rain
And how the soil turns wet and mushy
From the constant flow of water from above
And how the grass turns a little bit greener
From the pounding of those droplets Continue reading “Post-Downpour”
I have always heard the calling of the sea. The cool but warm breeze caressing my skin, the salty tang of the wind around me. Yes, I have always heard the calling of the sea. The soft but loud crash of the breaking wave on the white hot sand that encompasses my feet. The overall peacefulness of it all. I could look up to the bright blue sky and breathe in the air that is familiar yet strange at the same time. I could feel the sun touches my face gently, and with my feet buried under the warm sand, I could finally feel contented. At last. At last, I am here, listening to the calling of the sea.
It is all well and fun until one is torn between two. Two different sides warring against each other. The drums are loud and deafening. The roar harsh and crumpling. Where one’s heart screams for attention and help to flourish, but one’s mind wails about the ailments of life. When one’s heart walks to one direction but the mind chooses the other. What will one’s do? Will one choose the heart that gives happiness and contentment in life, or the mind that guarantees success and stability? It is indeed all fun and well until one is torn between two. Is it the mind or the heart?
A bone may break. With a sickening crack a bone can be broken. And the pain will be unbearable. And the person suffers. But a mind may bend. It bends with a soft almost non-existent energy, but it bends. And once it bends, it will be easier to mend cracked bones than to care for a bent mind. As minds can be tricky. It can be as strong as the strongest steel, but it can wither upon the faintest hints of the winter’s storm. And bones are easily seen and treated, but the trouble of the mind will fester unnoticed until it finally snaps and makes its presence known. But even then, people will not as easily see it as it is. Even though the mind keeps on breaking every day. Bit by bit, until there’s nothing left…
I am walking through a dense forest. I could look up and see the clear blue or the beautiful glints of the stars posing their way through their own lives. I could see clouds forming in different shapes each reminding me of my own. I could hear the chirps and feel the gentle caress of the breeze upon my skin. I could smell the earthy wet soil underneath my feet. I could taste the life itself. I could feel peace blooming inside my weary heart as I look up and close my eyes shut basking in the warm sun that is making its presence known by peeking shyly though the giant leaves. But as I inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale…I open my eyes slowly. And as I look straight ahead, all I can see is nothing. Nothing but greens. And as I stare at the two paths before me, I realized that, even after all the peacefulness that came before, I am still as lost as one is uncertain while the other is unclear.
It’s been a long time. The longest of my life. Since I last call your name. Since I last touch your hand. Since I last kiss your cheek. Since I last breathe the air you breathe. Since I last see your face. Your smiling face. It’s been a long time. And it’ll be longer still. Till I can touch your face. Till I can trace the lingering frown on your forehead and turn it into a smile once again. Till I can feel your arms around me. Till I can stop feeling half-alive. Till I’m once again whole. It’s been a long time. And longer still. Till I meet you again, my love.
My mind is a dangerous place, I thought. My thoughts linger in my mind, my darkest, deepest, most sacred secrets lurks in my mind. Indeed, my mind is a dangerous place. I can’t bear to be alone with my mind, less it will consume me whole. It will devour me of my own being until I’m reduced to nothing but my mind. And is that a good thing or bad thing? I can’t decide. I am dependent on my mind. My mind with its dark and secret passageways guiding me away from the light. I can’t. I need to get away from my mind. Not when I know I’m not strong enough to deal with the temptation for a more peaceful and permanent way out that comes from my mind. So, yes, indeed my mind is a very dangerous place to be in these sort of times. I need to get away. But, can I?
They started from a small seedling growing up slowly but sure in our mind. In our heart. Watered by the constant praise and fostered by the encouragement from the people around us. No doubt is ever present to conceal the small and fragile seedling still hungry for the light of hope. No. The small seedling will, no, must grow to a big tree with deep enough root and with confidence unshakeable by even the strongest storm life may create. And so we take care of that small seed carefully, lovingly, gently. We nurture it so that it will become as big as it can be in the future. And so it grew. Slowly but sure. Then once its roots were deep enough to keep itself planted firmly in our mind and heart, the storms come one by one. It comes as a deep sigh and worry lines etched deep on our parents’ worn out face. It comes in the form of a loud bellow of protest from families who frown and try their hardest to find faults out of their well-meaning concerns. It comes from the same people who once put so much care into growing that small yet beautiful seed into a tall and magnificent tree. Then the shadows, worries, concerns start to slowly seep into the deeply seated root of that once strong tree. For some, it won’t affect the deeply rooted tree of dreams and it will bloom and grow still. But for some, it will seep so deep, the root will start to decay even though not gone. No. Never gone. Merely forgotten. And maybe someday, we can muster up the courage to shed some much needed light and sunshine to that long forgotten tree and watch it bloom into an even stronger and bigger tree than it was before. Till then, it waits.
The rain was falling so slowly. Truly, it was such a fitting weather for this day. It was tricking down and softly knocking on my tinted window. I put my heavy head to lean on the cold glass and the coolness instantly helped to relieve — if only a bit — the pain that kept on bugging me since this morning. I released a deep sigh. I closed my eyes and tried my best not to think of the things that happened. Continue reading “Guilt and Regret”