Embracing Oneself

I have always tried to somehow change myself to be better, especially in terms of what I feel toward certain issues and stuffs. I also tried to always change myself in a way, I think. I realize I’m quite a shy and introverted person and so I tried hard to be more outgoing, outspoken, and more extroverted. But at some point in life I started to think, what makes me think that being more outgoing, outspoken, and more extroverted is way better than being my shy, introverted self?

Last time when I was considering changing my job, I was faced with two options : to continue on the career path that I have built for the last two years, or to try and follow my passion and take that risk. I ignored that quiet voice at the back of my head that says I should go with the latter, because, simply, I thought that challenging myself to go out of my comfort zone was an important thing to do. If I went with the latter option, it would mean that I would revert back to the person that I was before. Quiet, couldn’t really talk with anyone, awkward in every social setting imaginable, and wouldn’t even say hi to people if they didn’t greet me first. And that was partly why I chose the former instead of following that quiet voice.

Then, I started to think again about this matter recently. I felt like I’m not being true to myself and I found it hard to always follow the current pace. I I felt like I just don’t belong in this line of work most of the time. And I thought that my way of thinking is not that suitable for business. And so, once again, I’m asking myself : Did I make the right choice to continue in this expertise? Should I force myself to change? Or should I just embrace myself for what it is? And if I decided to change, is that really for the better? Is there any ‘better or worse’ type of personality anyway?

Those thoughts are all huddled in that small corner of my brain nowadays, and they will make their presence known whenever I’m having some time to just be all silent and thinking about it. And I felt like they gave me a nudge here and there to think about them quite often nowadays, even through all the schedules that I have. So, I realized that I need to face this issue again. Will I be satisfied in doing things that I don’t really love even though it gives me the financial and social security that many people craves? Or should I stick true to who I am and what my passion is? I think it’s a classic debate between the successful businesswomen/men versus the starving artist. While it isn’t true that every one climbing the corporate ladder of a good and reputable company ends up being successful, but the society has already had that mindset in their mind. If you want to be successful and live a good life, then you should work in a company, be a good employee, blablabla. And I think it’s still the common perspective shared among the people especially in Indonesia. While the creative industry is developing nowadays, but the misconception about that ‘starving artist’ kind of thing is still quite firmly cemented in people’s mind. There’s just seemingly not enough ‘prestige’ of working in the creative industry compared to working in a good company.

So, even though I’m sure a lot of people have already had their struggles and been in my shoes, I still can’t choose between the two, which one would be best for me. I think that I will be happier if I can work in the area related to my passion, but I’m not sure I’m brave enough to take that chance. Should I? Could I? What if I fail? Could I handle disappointing my family? My parents? All those questions are like the shackles that keeps me from just going for it. And I know that I need to decide soon. I need to decide and stick to it. But even as I’m writing this post, I still can’t decide should I embrace what I think is my passion or should I just go with the flow and see where it will take me. And that frustrates me.

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