I have always feel like I’m some kind of an awkward person. Most of the time I don’t know how to behave or what to do at a social event. I like to keep to myself and I need several ‘alone-time’ to recharge myself during the busy week, and so I also consider myself as a pretty introverted type. So, it’s easy to say that I find myself in an awkward situation where I completely mess up the entire thing just by being me.Or I will be so caught up in my mind that I just ignore the world around me. But for someone as introverted as I am, I don’t like going to places alone or, especially, eating alone. I hate it to the core. And I hate feeling lonely or that I’m on my own in something. I love having people to have a discussion with, people to share thoughts and ideas with, or simply people to just be there. But I know that life doesn’t always happen according to your wish (who am I kidding, life usually never happens according to our wish, duh…) and I need to just get by. But I don’t want that. I don’t want to just simply get by. I also want to place myself in a comfortable situation that is suitable to my personality, but a lot of times we are put inside a situation that is both uncomfortable and unsuitable to our personality, so that I feel so out of depth and I don’t know what to do.
Just like when I’m trying my hardest to blend in with other more extroverted people during any social event that will have a lot of unspoken and unwritten rules and expectations, I’m constantly in the need to adapt to new situations that will kick me out of my comfort zone. And I’d like this post to have a more positive note and that it can be one of those motivational post about be grateful to the hardships of your life as they will shape you to be a better and stronger person, but it’s not. And I can’t help but think that at times, we are allowed to wallow in self pity and be all depressed, aren’t we? And sure, I’ve heard, read, saw those sayings about don’t blend in, fight for your dream, be you, whatsoever, and I believe and support those things too. But sometimes, I feel like there are too many factors and aspects in life that will hold you from doing those things too.
Sure there are many people who fight for their dreams and succeeded, but then there are a lot who don’t as well. And perhaps I’m just too afraid and too worried of ending up like those who don’t make it rather than aiming to be one of the people who actually does make it. But sometimes, we are allowed to be quite negative and succumb to the scary what-ifs that come up in our mind, no? And sometimes I’m just so tired of pretending, of keeping up the façade that I’m okay, I’m strong, I’m tough, that I can get through everything while in fact I’m not. I’m sure that everyone has had vulnerable times in their lives and when those sort of times greet us cheerfully, I think that we can allow ourselves a bit of reprieve by simply wallowing in the sadness and all those mixed up feelings that come with it for a while.
And I don’t even know what is the purpose of me writing this post anymore, but sometimes I just need to write something, anything. Even though it has no meaning, even though the cohesion is totally nonexistent, even though it makes no sense at all and those who bother to read it will feel their head spin to understand. I just need to write to give these feelings an outlet, to express what I feel inside. What I mean, what I think, what I feel. And sometimes, we can all just be as random as possible, as crazy as possible, as nonsensical as possible, no? Well, at least I think we can.