Conflicted

Well, I don’t need to say too much, just that I would like to share a link with you guys. It’s an article I wrote based on my experience.

Needless to say it wasn’t the most pleasant experience. Well, who am I kidding, it was one of the worst experience in my life. And it quite traumatized me to an extent. It may seem small or insignificant in the grand scheme of things, but writing it and sending it to be published for all the world to see was not an easy decision. Even as I was writing the piece down, I felt absolutely terrified. I was afraid, my heart was beating like crazy against my chest and my hands were numb. Several times in the middle of drafting the piece, I started to question my decision to get this written down and published in an online magazine. I stopped for quite some time. Thinking and thinking again whether this is the right thing to do or not. Even as I have finished writing the story I was feeling afraid. Afraid that I would present the story in a wrong way, using improper word choices, bad grammar, confusing sentences, or just butchered the whole piece in general.

This is important for me so I want to get this right. No. I need to get it right. To tell the truth the way I experienced them. Still, the anxiety lingered even as I attached the piece in my email and prepared to click that send button. My hear was once again beat like crazy and I was feeling cold in both my hands and my entire body. I didn’t remember how long I stared at that drafted-and-ready-to-be-sent email with my cursor hovering over that one button that would set the ball rolling. At last, though, I clicked on that button and immediately felt really relieved. It was as if a burden has been lifted off of my shoulder. Well, it was really true what they said about writing could be very therapeutic. It really is, indeed.

And now that it’s finally out there, I’m conflicted. I don’t know what to feel. The first reaction that came was a huge smile plastered on my face. I imagined that I looked rather silly with a smile on my face throughout the car ride, but didn’t matter. I felt proud that I could tell my story and got it published somewhere (especially in the magazine that I really like). Then I felt shy because I have never done this before, telling a quite private story and posting it outside my mind or personal blog. Then I was worried, what if people related to the story read it and said that I was out of line from writing it. Then I was scared, what if people just didn’t get what I was trying to say and totally interpreted my story in a wrong way. Those feelings were frustrating. I didn’t know what to actually feel.

But then, some of my friends (you know who you are), personally contacted me after they read the story and they said sorry I have to experience that, thanks for writing it, and gave me encouragement. I felt better already. I felt that by writing this story, I have made the right choice. I know for certain that as much as writing it helps me to heal, it will also have some impact on whoever’s reading it. Thanks guys for all the encouraging words. I am no longer conflicted.

Click here for the full article.

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