Hi, everyone. The title for this post is borrowed from Tuck Everlasting’s song called The Wheel. I think that it’s an appropriate title for this post because I will talk about the wheel of life, basically. I sounded deep for a second there, lol. Oh well, it’s true when people say that you can’t stay stuck in the same place forever. You only live once so you need to take chances and live life to the fullest.
I think this is my next big step in life. To choose to move forward instead of playing it safe and sound with my self-made comfort zone. A bubble of common things that protects me (or hinders me, depends on the perspective really) from changes. Big changes that will change the course of your life. For me, throughout these 24 years, many changes (and a promise of change) came my way. I could ignore those chances and just keep on doing what I feel is ‘comfortable’ for me, and I did to some of them. However, some I just took a chance and plunged myself head first into the uncertainty of the future.
One of them was when I decided to go to Korea for the Student Exchange program. Even though I was told that the major and department will be different from what I initially applied to, I still decided to take a chance and moved forward with the decision to ‘study’ in Korea. And I didn’t regret that decision that time, and I still don’t.
The next big decision was to choose whether I would stay in my previous company or look for another one, just after around 1 month of working. I was absolutely miserable during the first few weeks there. I hated the job, I didn’t have anyone to talk to (since I can be very quiet in front of people I met for the first time. I’m slow to warm up to people, yea…), and I felt horrible each and every day I went to work there. I even imagined hundred ways to avoid going to thw office every morning; mostly it included me getting some sort of an accident so that I would end up in a hospital. But at last, when the chance presented itself, I chose to stay and learned to enjoy what I was doing. And now, I’ve been with that company for two years. I made friends with (almost) everyone in that office, joked with them, ate with them, chatted with them. Somehow, in the span of two years, they have made a room for themselves in my mind-palace.
And now after two years in the company, I think I’m ready to move on. Yet another big decision must be made in order to determine my future. Can I move forward and go with the wheel of life? Or will I get stuck in the same moment, time, and place forever? The decision is not easy to make. I pondered but as usual I blundered my way through the process without much thoughts. I often did that. It’s as if by not putting too much thoughts in it will lessen my confusion of moving forward or staying behind. That way, the fear of the uncertain future will not affect me too much. Or at least that’s what I believe. And so, I went through the process of sending my application, interview, and submitting my resignation letter in a cloudy haze. It didn’t really sink in, the fact that my life will change before it really did happen.
On my last day in the previous company, I didn’t feel sad. I didn’t feel that happy either by leaving that company and its people. I felt a combination of both, I guess. It was a hard feeling to describe. Like jumbled mess of feelings trying to overcome each other. But as usual, I kept on going without putting much thoughts in those feelings.
Now, I’m already in this new company. Do I feel sad? A bit because I lost the company of my friends, my comfort zone, my ‘usual’ working place, atmosphere, and environment. Do I feel excited? A bit because I, hopefully, can learn something new here. But then again, the jumbled feelings come back to me. Each and everyday I still, sometimes, wonder if I’m actually 100% ready to move on? Until now, I can’t really answer that question myself. Maybe I will never find the answer until that time comes when I have to, once again, move on.